When I do not want to forgive (Case)

Not everyone is aware that there is an option not to forgive your offenders. And it seems that this is contrary to moral values ​​and is completely unthinkable, but this possibility paradoxically changes the quality of relationships and releases energy into a positive channel. Since childhood, we are learning that "on offended water carry" and what "Good kids do not be angry". When we become an adult, we also begin to notice that the insults for themselves do not wear what you need "Forgive and let go", But all these tips forget to add: it is impossible to do it in one step. More precisely, it is possible, but it is very difficult. And if quite accurately, that is, the choice is not forgive.

I offer a case in which the process of psychotherapy on forgiveness is unfastened. An invented client, the story is based on psychotherapeutic notes and aggregates of experience and knowledge.

So, the girl, 30 years old, the request is about how to realize yourself in the profession.

– I understand that my desires do not develop further ordinary fantasies. As if something stops me. So I want to start to conduct my blog, and next time I will come to me when I have a second box of sweets and understand that I will not write to write.

– Tell me, please, what happens to you? Maybe there is some kind of phrase that you repeat? Or remember familiar image?

– I remember my mother’s words. More precisely, it is not even words, it first looks such, well, tortured, I remember how she rolls her eyes, then he sighs hard and says irritably "Well, try, it’s still not yours".

– What feeling you say now?

– I have irritation appears.

– what you annoy? How it sounds?

– So what "It’s not you decide that mine and what not!"

At this point, the client begins to noticeably worry, its speech becomes less restrained, but tears appear in front of his eyes. It is important for me to keep it in this state, because it seems that she met with an old insult to mother. My strategy suggests the opportunity to express the feeling that there was no rest for a long time, because once, being a child, this woman could not protect himself from the depreciation of the mother, whatever it was covered – care or desire to control the process of growing daughter. Now, when an adult woman faces the problem of insecurity, when the image of a mother, who is already her inner voice, stops her impulse to self-development, causing to stay in one place, now this offense is useful to express this offense to reconcile with the past and believe in itself present. But contrary to my strategy, the client begins to calm down instead of giving the will that flooded emotions.

– But I do not want to blame her. I am not the only one who in childhood was not allowed to do what you want. In fact it’s only my wines.

– It’s great that you do not consider yourself the center of the Universe with a unique problem. It’s true so you’re not alone in this. I generally dreamed of becoming an actress.

– (laughs) Well, so all the problems in me.

– We can diverge? Kidding. I notice that you yourself are now how scolding.

– Yes, I do not swear, rather I just recognize the fact.

– And when you understand that your problem is entirely your wine, it becomes easier for you?

– Let’s go back a little back. You started telling our story, shared how my mother did not believe in you and I noticed that you were worried. Looks like this is a strong experience for you. What happened that you decided to calm down?

– Yes, this is a strong experience, but I do not want to fill it.

– That is, you are now "Collect", as if "Well, shook and enough" (laughs) Well, it seems.

– You’re laughing now?

– It’s true like the way I pull out myself from complex experiences. I do not like to fall into depression.

– Yes, I also do not like to get enough sadness, but it happens that sad. I look at you and I do not see the tendency to depression.

– Thank you is nice.

– I notice you smile more, you are free to sit in the chair. I support you now?

– And what I am now saying important to you?

– (tears appear) I do not know, you seem to notice me, you say that I am not depressive. Do not know.. I guess I was touched by what you trust me. Mom, on the contrary, told me that I am suffering that my character would not work with my character.

– I’m sorry. I would definitely not support me.

At that moment, when tears appear – this means that a sufficient amount of trust has accumulated in order to express sadness. This woman does not talk about some particularly traumatic events, she cries about the fact that daily and on a little bit she had to face the fact that she was not the one who would like to see her mom. Such a form of communication is pushing self-esteem from the inside, but the danger of it is that there are no particularly sharp corners in it. And therefore as if there are no reasons for appealing for help. The illusion is that everything is in order and "We are a friendly family".

I notice this feature everywhere. Once I needed to seek help to a neurologist with the problem of insomnia, and I chose a well-known clinic. But since I came myself, on my two, I was offered to sign up only in a month, for which I, of course, did not agree because I would like to return the dream as soon as possible. However, what I understood exactly, so this is what if I were brought in the ambulance, I could get help and immediately. But I just do not want to bring somehow. But however, I was distracted.

… – And the most offensive thing is that we are quite often visible and communicate, we even live nearby. She generally has a big impact on my life. For example, it seems to her that I am fairly gray and uninteresting in order to do what I am doing now.

Sounds pretty unpleasant. But in something client and the truth right – she really grown. And despite the fact that in life she received more toxic than useful support, this form has enhanced its inner world. What still stands for such a feedback form? Desire to keep security or way to control the situation? I offer an experiment in which we gradually plunge into the model that is familiar with the client since childhood.

– I think I understand why she all told me that. She was always very afraid to make a mistake and believed that it was better to be reinforced than it was broken. But I am infuriates to this attitude to life, it does not fit.

– And what do you think?

– It seems to me that you need to try and mistaken, even if you are scared. But I remembered another moment, more precisely a lot of them. She always tells all the same with other people. And it looks like some public humiliation. I’m talking now, and I am already redispage. How could she act like this? Why? And what should I do with all this? It seems that I understand where I got this fear of publicity.

– I’m angry now, because for me it’s straight about disrespect!

– Yes, that is, when relatives were going to, she always told what I am stupid and that I would like lately. And everyone laughed, all fun. "And our sufferers are the other day here, I decided that she was a poet! Hahaha.. Come on, read what you wrote. " (hovercts intonation) Oh, horror, and I’m so embarrassed, but I still read my poems to all, but I look at me like an idiot. But in front of relatives okay, she and in other people’s people can so! With such a savor, it tells about all my mistakes, such an eloquence becomes.

Her speech is becoming increasingly charged emotionally, she is angry. It seems that in this daily samopotation fenders, there were still sharp corners and they are connected with the experience of a public shame.

Our time came to the end, we said goodbye to the week, and I thought about what was different from others is hard. We are more often looking for similarities than differences and to be presented to other of our peculiarities means to see a different reaction: someone will admire, and someone can condemn. But it is harder to see condemnation in the eyes of your loved ones, because they are they who broadcast us the desired image. It is in their eyes, and in the eyes of the mother especially we notice what we are taken, and what no. Their reaction is embedded in the subconscious and makes fit or deal with their expectations and in the future either helps or destroys. And this topic pops up when you want self-realization, because experience literally "screaming" that the world is ashamed to be ashamed that you feel foolish. And in order not to worry this feeling better not to start anything at all.

A week later we met again.

– I can’t understand her that I did her that she does not accept me so much? And even shakes as if.

When I do not want to forgive (Case)

– Why do you need to understand her?

– to forgive and move on.

– I suggest you do not forgive her.

– But she is my mom. Isn’t that the meaning of all therapy? Not to let go of past resentment and move on? She is my mother, I love her, she loves me too.

– And I do not offer you not to love her.

– But love suggests forgiveness.

– For me, love involves different feelings. How do you hear these words?

– Weird.. I’m confused.

– They scare you or angry? You can more talk about what happens to you now?

– No, I am pleased to have this opportunity, probably rather even pleases. But still strange. I have to love my mom.

– It is hard to love because it should.

Love is a really process, and in this process there are different feelings. There is tenderness, affection, heat, but also there is a place and other feelings – misunderstanding, insult. Relations with mother are distinguished by the fact that they are for life. We do not choose our loved ones and for a long time we are in this relationship not in equal positions. In different cultures in different ways, somewhere respect for the elder is a fundamental value, and somewhere in 18 years old are sent to free swimming, where he has already built his own system. But respect is an adult feeling, it implies a choice: I respect and love another person, but there is something that I can not take into my personal life.

Parents to their children have a lot of expectations: that they will grow beautiful, successful, smart, healthy, happy. Parents live much longer than children and have enough experience, and therefore the mistakes of their children want to prevent. They have their own ways to express their opinions, their views on life, they can be seen from the outside, and it is hard to perceive "rake" His children. But children also have enough expectations to parents. That they will love them and take any things that will support what will protect. And in this light parents seem to appear by almighty, and meanwhile these are ordinary people and they can make mistakes.

– I’m so insulting that she did not support me. And the most offensive thing that I myself seem as if I can’t support. I feel as if I betrayed me, did not give the soil under my feet, I am nothing to rely on.

– Try to make my message mom from these feelings.

– I can’t, it’s hard for me to start, I don’t want to talk about betrayal.

– But this is what you really feel. When you were a kid, for you it really was so. I suggest you start with what you love her.

– Ok, i will try. "Mom, you mean a lot for me, you are my family. I love you. But I do not want to take what you did not support me. I expected you, and you betray me".

My client was easier when she had the opportunity to not forgive her mother because she was strongly shaped in childhood, that he had so much confidence. Her love for mothers is the value that sounds like this: "I have to love my mother because she is my family". But this value can be a heavy slope to block the life stream, not giving to develop in its direction, forcing all the time to turn around and experience the toxic experience of my mother’s care. Becoming an adult, she changes its value to more environmentally friendly: "I love my family, but I have the right to choose that care that suits me".

"Sorry and let go" – this is an illusion, or rather the final version of the Great Development Process and Personality in them. It is impossible to go through this river in one step and sometimes you need years in order to make mistakes of your loved ones. And sometimes it is quite simple "Sorry", If it is said sincerely and if the qualitative changes in the form of communication entails.

This excerpt is devoted to how relations with themselves are arranged, as in the process of personality development, it is necessary to deal with the ghosts of the past and separate them from the resources of this. This is only part of a large vital process, a big or small judgment is not entitled.

When I do not want to forgive (Case)

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