When one of two changes
He (a) craves changes, and he (a) any attempts to change the usual way of life perceives in bayonets. As such a mismatch of rhythms is reflected in a pair? Will partners stay together?
"With Anton we were ten years old. Ten years of the holiday, easy life without obligations, with work on contracts, with travel on a motorcycle, just the way that eyes look. And we were really happy, – remembers 33-year-old Nastya. – And then I turned 30, and suddenly everything that caused delight, began to withdraw. The first motorcycle disappeared: there was a lot of reasons to not go, but to fly to the destination and wait for Anton there. It helped, but not long. I obviously wanted something completely different. Rest? Constability? Exactly. But he was afraid of stability like fire. And then it began to seem to me that I got to the train, which had already tried, and Anton remained standing on the platform. ".
Recognizable story – even if you never went to a motorcycle in life. Sooner or later, any couple may encounter the fact that one will light up with something new, and the other will continue (as if) staring in place. Air sip in the form of English lessons after three years at home with a child; The new work that was absorbed entirely and forced to remember the long-forgotten senses of student on the exam; The idea of escape from the bustle, having left for a small provincial city, or, on the contrary, at times to increase the pace of our own life, going to the volunteer to extinguish forest fires, engaged in salvation of dog shelters or ending once in a single picket near the court. Yes you never know what else. The question is how it will react your partner. Will not be treated with suspicion of your inspiration, do not consider your hobbies with nonsense, can they take seriously? After all, sometimes changes seem so insignificant, and no one comes to mind that they can affect relations. Indeed, as it can affect a long, strong, time-tested joint life One-only yoga hour on Thursday evening? And yet the feeling of Nastya – "I left, and he stayed," one day can capture you entirely. "In fact, all this means just that time has passed, you have become older and have changed very much, – Psychologist Natalia Tumashkova explains. – New interests or Wait Nicla need to return to what I liked before … This is quite normal and ordinary phenomenon, I would even say that this is a sign that a couple is live ". What is the trick? "If the one who does not feel the need to change or is simply afraid of a new one, it becomes struggled to slow the other, is the risk that partners will break in different directions".
New games, new roles
What to do to stay together and enjoy a fresh wind together, which suddenly appeared in the life of one of the partners? "If a couple have ideas about a joint future, and the old opportunities seem to be exhausted, they can always try to find new ones, it is only more closely to look at each other. In fact, relationship development options are many. That is why it is important to figure out what one is ready to support the other who move forward, and who digs deep into, "adds Natalia Tumashkova.
Much depends on whether partners have the ability to redeem itself and rewrite the prisoner once a long time ago at the dawn of relations, informal contract. Will they have to use each resources to spend a pair through the tests and do even stronger, and the relationship is better? It is naive to believe that this situation can be resolved by imposing its new interests to the partner. Perhaps first another capitulate, but the consequences of this step are unpredictable: one day the wound can open again, and it will be impossible to heal it.
Try to ask yourself a question: "How to make it possible to get good for us both?"Otherwise, try to find a partner a place in your life, let him try a new role, to evaluate its advantages. "And at the same time, do not be afraid to admit to yourself: now you are more important what is happening inside you than the relationship even with the closest person – adds Natalia Tumashkova. – When you feel more confident, calmer, the priority of proximity will return, and you may want to share with the other that you have appeared, and contact between you will again go to the forefront of your relationship. ".
The one who is simply watching the changes in the partner and is trying to find a explanation of this, can try to embed himself in the changed reality, offering his assistance, thus delivering responsibility and returning an active role. But first of all, you still have to admit that another may have their own interests. "Partners are not obliged to always be together, everyone has the right to personal space, and this must be admitted – Natalia Tumashkova continues. – But if you stay a couple, in your life there should be something that unites you. Losing points of contact, you risk breaking too far from each other. ".
If one of the partners feels that another truly caught fire with a new idea and resolutely configured to realize it in life, sometimes it makes sense to agree, even fastening the heart, – after all, we can show that they are ready for a lot of sake of maintaining good relationships. "When Timoshka was born, I decided that we need to leave the city and live all year round in the country, – tells 29-year-old Maxim. – For me, it was a question of principle: the child should not grow in a metropolis. Dasha from the very beginning was against. She liked urban life, and she did not want to leave. We argued, I insisted, sometimes broke off. In the end she gave way. We lived outside the city half a year. We must give her due – she tried. But I saw that all this was unbearable for her. And I decided to return. Now we are fine, although literally half a year ago case almost came to break. It turns out that, giving up, Dasha was stronger ". The point, of course, is not in force. and in mutual love.