"When someone hurts, he wants to be heard"
Evil facing another always returns. We reflect our emotions into the world, and thus create a certain atmosphere around them. But what it – depends on us, from how we know how to cope with our negative emotions. We talk about the rules of careful communication with the psychologist Maria Eril.
Psychologies: What does ecology mean in relation to relationships?
Maria Eril: Ecology – When we try not to litter and care about the planet, because we understand: we live in this and where it is not going anywhere. The same is environmentally friendly and in communication – do not litter in relationships, because it lives in this.
And this is true not only in relation to relatives. If I caress in some wrath, guilt, discontent, all these emotions will make a circle and return to me. In the nearest environment we feel this return immediately. But he will be in the big world. If I create aggressive communication, I will live in this aggressive world.
Aggression is not always manifest ..
Yes she takes different forms. This is not always a direct attack. Sometimes – closedness or irony. I somehow had a conversation with the actor. On the questions he answered about so. "You would like to try yourself in directed?"-" If I wanted, I would try!»It seems nothing wrong with my address said, but unpleasantly.
Later, I learned from the general acquaintances that the director in the theater was scolded on it. And he, voluntarily or unwittingly, shared his condition with me. So everything goes to the world, makes your cycle there.
Is it possible to stop this negative exchange, interrupt the chain?
Of course, you can, for this we develop our emotional intelligence. I often ask a question: "How to get rid of negative emotions, where to drain them and how not to let me?"- And these are all different examples of non-ecological relationship with their emotions.
Recently, before the business training that I led, the company’s head asked: "Make sure that the employees have not experienced emotions at work! You can only leave positive, but if not, then remove all ». I had to explain that the depressed emotions can not be forced to just disappear. When it seems to us that it was possible, in fact we suppress them, they accumulate, as a result, it leads to breakdowns or to depression.
Solution in another: when I get from someone anger, I understand that he speaks with me from his pain, and I try to see it. If I am answering anger, I protect myself. If I see his pain, I am building a connection with it. This is an ideal and it’s hard. Dalai Lama lives like this, and we don’t always do that. But when we understand what the non-environmentally acted, it is necessary not to sprinkle the head ashes, but to correct the made.
How to fix your errors in communication?
If we understand that the conflict arose and we hurt someone pain … There is such an expression "Let’s talk about it" – but we must not just speak, but hear each other. When someone hurts, he wants his pain to hear. And we often perceive it as an accusation of our address and begin to justify.
For example, we are told: "I felt like a little, unnecessary," and we justify: "Yes, I did not throw you, you seemed to you. "And if we go far in excuses, they sound like depreciation. "I feel lonely". – "Stop it! About whom still care?"And at that moment the interlocutor feels not only lonely, but also wrong.
But we can see in the expression of pain not to hit, but the desire of another to be heard and adopted with his pain. "I’m sorry, I would like to fix it" – I join your feelings.
Should we try to predict the reactions of others, think about their desires?
To answer this question, you need to first ask the other: when I do this, how it makes me? It’s one thing, if I like me more like this: when I care about others. But if all my self-identity is based on to like, is another situation.
In some cases, it is important to think about yourself in others – about others. It’s one thing when I brew tea in the break and suggest everyone. Other – We run marathon, and suddenly the leader stumble. If I want to win, I run on and I do not ask if the help is needed. Or in the subway: to give way or not? I would first of all be asked with my feeling. If I have energy, I will give up the place, move, but if there is no strength, then I will push on the fact that I may not think very well.
There are no general rules, data and forever. This is freedom – we do what we want, but remember that every choice determines us. Sometimes it’s hard, we are looking for someone who will take responsibility for our actions on themselves. But it is also non-environmentally to shift responsibility.